The Power of Choice

Would you like to get your kids to willingly cooperate? Stop the daily battles? Teach your kids valuable life skills? If your answer is “Yes! Yes! Yes!” then read on. . .

There are so many things we must get our children to do and so many things me must stop them from doing! Get up. Get dressed. Don't dawdle. Do your homework. Eat. It goes on and on. We can get our kids to cooperate and at the same time allow them to learn self-discipline and develop good decision-making skills. How? By offering choices.

Giving a choice is a very powerful tool that can be used with toddlers through teenagers.

This is one skill that every parent should have tattooed on the back of his or her hand as a constant reminder. Parents should use this skill every day, many times a day. Giving children choices is a very effective way to enlist their cooperation because children love having the privilege of choice. It takes the pressure out of your request and allows a child to feel in control. This makes a child more willing to comply.

Using choice is an effective way to achieve results, and when you get in the habit of offering choices you are doing your children a big favor. As children learn to make simple choices—Milk or juice?—they get the practice required to make bigger choices—Buy two class T-shirts or one sweatshirt?—which gives them the ability as they grow to make more important decisions—Save or spend? Drink beer or soda? Study or fail? Giving children choices allows them to learn to listen to their inner voice. It is a valuable skill that they will carry with them to adulthood.

You should offer choices based on your child's age and your intent.

A toddler can handle two choices, a grade-school child three or four. A teenager can be given general guidelines. Offer choices such that you would be happy with whatever option your child chooses. Otherwise, you are not being fair. For example, a parent might say,“Either eat your peas or go to your room,” but when the child gets up off his chair, the parent yells,“Sit down and eat your dinner, young man!” (So that wasn't really a choice, was it?)

Here are some ways in which you can use choice:

Winning the Chore War

“How many times do I have to remind you to take out the trash?”Sound familiar? Household jobs are a part of every family's daily life, yet they tend to create ongoing conflict. Give yourself a pat on the back if you assign your kids chores. It's an important way kids learn responsibility. Even children as young as two years old can help out around the house. Here are a few pointers for making the process easier on everybody.

Have a plan. Kids thrive on routine. It's best if they have routine chores that they do at regular times. For instance, clearing the table is done right after eating. Trash is taken out immediately after the kitchen is cleaned up. Bed is made right after dressing. The more you develop these routines, the less reminding you will have to do. When you do have to remind your child it can be a brief statement, such as “Trash Time.” With more than one child you can rotate chores, but keep in mind it will take extra effort to develop new routines.Visual reminders help kids stay on track. A poster, chart, or job board can help kids stay focused.

Train and encourage. Use a four-step process when introducing a new job. First, you do the job, narrating as you work, while the child watches. Next, do the job together. Third, the child does the job while you watch, coach, and encourage. Fourth, the child is ready to go it alone. If you eliminate training then you open the door for battles since you will both be operating under different expectations. Follow through. Once you decide on a plan, do your best to stick to it every day. If you allow excuses and delays then you'll find yourself fighting with your child. If you have a kid who fights the routine, establish a consequence for failure to complete chores and follow through without anger or threats.

Who does what?

Here's a list of ideas to get you thinking about what your kids are capable of doing. Don't underestimate your children!

The same child who runs a complicated computer game can certainly manage the washer and dryer!

By Elizabeth Pantley, author of Kid Cooperation and Perfect Parenting © 2002. Elizabeth Pantley, www.pantley.com/elizabeth